As a person with a minor depressive disorder and anxiety, I have often struggled to regulate my emotions in the workplace in a professional manner. Giving into my negative emotions in moments of reckless impulse has also landed me in some difficult and painful situations that I sincerely regret and have had lasting implications.Anyone can find themselves in emotionally difficult situations no matter their professional environment, because we all work with people, and people are imperfect. And so are we.
If you repeatedly find yourself in sticky situations caused by heat-of-the-moment emotional outbursts, I do recommend seeking professional help in the form of a counselor or therapist. This has genuinely helped me and taught me so much about emotional regulation. But this path can be difficult and take time for some, so here are some easy emotion regulation skills to implement when you find yourself in moments of intense emotion that can negatively impact your life (and career).
The STOP Method
This is a very popular cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) created by Carol Vivyan and a useful exercise when you find yourself amid an unexpected and negative situation. Here are the paraphrased steps:
- S – STOP. Literally pause. If you’re working, stop. If you’re walking, stop. If you’re talking, stop. This will help you take hold of your emotions rather than flying off the handle.
- T – Take a breath. There is much research on breathing and how it changes your body’s chemistry. Pay attention to your breathing. Consider telling yourself to breathe in clarity and positivity and exhale negativity and judgment. Do not let your emotions take the controls.
- O – Observe and describe. Take a break. Remove yourself, if only briefly, from the situation. If you are working or in a public space, excuse yourself to the restroom. Then, observe just the facts of the situation non-judgmentally. Try setting aside your emotions for a moment. Ask yourself these questions:
- What event triggered my emotions?
- What assumptions am I making, or how am I interpreting this event?
- Do my emotions match the facts of this situation? Are they justified? Or do they only match my assumptions and interpretations?
This can help you discern the truth of the situation rather than letting your emotions influence reality. If you return to the situation very upset, you didn’t step away long enough.
- P – Proceed mindfully. Be aware of your present moment. Be aware that your thoughts and feelings are ultimately fleeting and not a part of who you are.They are not your identity. Be aware of others and other things at stake. Consider this the big picture. Is there another way of looking at your situation? Then return to your work and proceed with caution. What is the best action for this moment? What could make this situation worse? It may be best to pause and return to it tomorrow, or it may be best to address it calmly and respectfully now.
The TIPP Method
This exercise, created by Marsha M. Linehan, is designed to literally change your body’s chemistry fast.
- T – Temperature. When we’re experiencing intense anger or sadness, our body’s temperature can seem to (or literally) rise. To combat this and in turn, ease your intense emotions, try dipping your face in very cold water for up to 30 seconds. If this is not possible, try putting a cold pack or bag of cold water on your face.
- I – Intense exercise. Engage in a physical exercise for 20 minutes or more to calm your body down when it’s revved up with emotion. Go for a walk, a run, or do jumping jacks in your office.
- P – Pace your breathing AND Paired Muscle Relaxation. We talked about breathing in the STOPP method. This is similar: focus on your breathing for at least a minute. Breathe very slowly and deeply. Breathe out more slowly than you breathe in. While breathing, repeat the word “Relax” to yourself or in your mind. Release tension in your body as you breathe.
Opposite Action
You may feel like telling off your boss or coworker when you return to a situation. But this simply isn’t the answer, no matter the situation. Instead, do the opposite of what you feel. Be as polite and respectful as you can. If you’re hurt and sad, try talking to your counterpart instead of withdrawing. If you’re angry, try speaking quietly and rationally instead of yelling or causing a scene.
Distract Yourself
In the heat of a painful situation, you may find yourself wanting to engage in harmful activities such as verbal aggression, alcohol abuse, excessive spending, or even self-injury. After using the STOP method, don’t return to the situation. Take a break or even leave work early if you can. If you can’t completely exit the situation, hold on until after work, and then engage in something that will help put your mind at ease. When you return to work (either that day or the next), you’ll have new body chemistry and a fresh perspective on the event.
- Exercise – Take a walk. Go to the gym. I like to go for a run when I’m angry or worked up. This changes my body’s chemistry, helps me achieve release, and helps me process negative emotions in a healthy manner.
- Spend time with a friend or loved one–Go out for a good meal or order takeout and process the situation with a trusted friend or loved one to help you decipher the triggering event. This will help you decompress and gain added clarity from someone outside of the situation.
- Listen to music – Music is a great way to release tension and negative emotions. I like to listen to positive praise music when I’m dealing with a negative emotion to put things into perspective.
- If you can’t leave work – Dive into something else (a different project, a different task, organization, anything). Talk to a trusted coworker (not a supervisor, at least for now).
Kristine Penning
November 19, 2020
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